Four Unnatural Things That Should Worry You More Than Homosexuality

Hey-lo folks. Long time no write – right? So let’s get down to business!

 So, as most of you know, I’m kind of a change-making badass. I go to the queer rights conferences, I (used to) run meetings, I plan events, I make shit happen. Some may even say I FUCK. SHIT. UP. But that’s debatable.

Anyways, in my line of work of fucking shit up, you come across arguments – arguments that don’t really make sense. “OH EM GEEZ HOMOSECKSUALITY IS UNNACHURALL. IT KILED THE DINOSORES!”  - and the like. My BFF John Corvino gives a lovely lecture addressing many of these bizarre arguments – including the one I just mentioned. One thing he points out in his lecture is that people freak out because homosexuality is, supposedly, “unnatural.” But so are cars, alarm clocks, plumbing and a shit ton of other things we use every day – no one flips a shit about those.

Folks, I have compiled for you a list of four unnatural things that should worry you way more than homosexuality does. Please focus your hateful energy on the following unnatural items instead of a bunch of unnatural people lovin’ each other.

ROBOTS

 This thing is too unnatural to not being planning something.

Is no one else freaked out by these things? Is no one else terrified that roombas may get sick of cleaning up shit and attack? Start flying even? Or start nom-nom-noming on your toes? Am I the only one who would rather parallel park on my own than have the car do it for me? Do those talking baby dolls freak the fuck out of anyone else? I swear, after that one episode of the Twilight Zone, I can never look at talking dolls again. It’s just… not… natural. Did Stephen Spielberg’s movie A.I. give everyone happy dreams about bunnies, rainbows and glitter? ‘Cause it sure gave me nightmares about robot clones of myself taking over the world. That’s actually a lie. I just wrote that to make you laugh – I had no nightmares about that movie. It did really creep me out though.

SPAM

There are some things in this world I just don't understand.

I have never eaten this. I have no desire to. I don’t even have to look at the ingredients to know it’s unnatural. This shit is so unnatural it’s fucking TERRIFYING. It makes baby Jeebus cry. Hell, it makes ME cry. Like, just look at it.

I just… I don’t know anything anymore. Why the fuck are people protesting gay marriage when shit like THIS is being sold in our stores with no complaint? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

I feel I have said enough on this topic. Moving on.

MGMT

 Duh nah nuh nuh nuh NAH NAH, duh nah nuh nuh nuh NAH NAH. Shut the fuck up Imma cut you.

I’ve written a bit about these folks before. Let’s talk about why they’re unnatural. In my previous post, you’ll notice I talk about their use of the synthesizer. Synthesizer. Syn.The.Siz.Er. Syyyyyynthhhhhhheeeeeeeesssssssiiiiiiizzzzeeerrrrrrrrrrrr. Does this word look like another word, perhaps? Look at it closely. Get your nose right up to the computer screen. Closer. Does it look similar to something else? No? Jesus, you’re dumb.

“Synthetic.” It looks like the word “synthetic.” What does “synthetic” mean, folks?

…Oh my god, I should’ve gone into English Education. Our society needs help.

FAKE. “Synthetic” means “FAKE.” Jesus Christ. And because their music is heavily synthesizer-based, this means their music is fake. UNNATURAL. Hate them and their unnatural, god awful music. More good will come out of it than hating the queers. You’ll even get a reserved seat in heaven if you break their synthesizer. Promise. I lie. I’m totally just saying that because “Time To Pretend” and “Kids” make my ears bleed and I never want to hear them again.

APPLE

 That's right. I went there.

I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who has made the following connection. Things that are unnatural – Apple. Apple is a computer company. They make computery… things. Laptops, music players, etc. Things that I barely comprehend and probably will never fully understand (“Oh, I push this button and it plays my music! I push this button, and the music stops! Hooray music! :D”) Anyways, “apple” is also the name of a tasty and nutritional fruit. You would think that a company named “Apple” would make tasty and nutritional things – edible things, things for consumption and energy. But no.  That is not the case. At all. You cannot eat a laptop. You cannot eat software. You cannot eat a music player (as much as I would like to. How cool would that be? A music player inside of me, playing music the soundtrack to my life ALL THE TIME. Rockin’).

 How things SHOULD be with Apple. (PS, SHIT JUST GOT META! WHAT!)

I would consider Apple the worst of the unnatural things on my list, as they claim to make natural things with the name of their company, but do NOT. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Maybe that’s why the queers like Apple so much – because they’re so UNNATURAL. The unnatural queers like the unnatural Apple. It makes perfect sense! Maybe Unnatural Apple is a part of the Unnatural Queers’ agenda! GASP! CONSPIRACY!

There. Now you know where to focus your efforts. It’s not the queers that are destroying the moral fabric of our society – it’s robots, Spam, MGMT and Apple. If these things are eradicated (oo, great word. Five experience points to me for the use of the word “eradicate,”) from our society, there will be a POOF and we will be living in a utopian society. I know – I’m surprised no one has gone after these unnatural things before. Let’s team up and do it. ReadySetGO!

[Clearly, this is not a comprehensive list – what are some other unnatural things we should be worrying about more than Teh Qweers? COMMENTS. GO.]

Lesbians: A Terror Upon Today's Society

Have you ever met a woman and instinctively been afraid of her? She has given you no reason to fear her – she’s nice, polite, and friendly. But for whatever reason, she scares you shitless and you avoid her the way you avoid a rabid elephant (I’ve never seen a rabid elephant, but I imagine it would be a petrifying animal).

This is because she is a lesbian.

“What? Laura, you’ve clearly had too many shrooms today. Lesbians aren’t scary!”

That, my dear Watson, is a lie. If lesbians weren’t scary, people wouldn’t be making claims such as, “ZOMG GAY MARAIGE KILED TEH DINOSORES!!!!!1!!1!!!ONE!” and everyone would be fine and dandy with Teh Gays. But people aren’t fine and dandy with Teh Gays. Therefore, lesbians are terrifying.

I could analyze why lesbians are terrifying on a theoretical level in that they’re completely like, “FUCK YOU PATRIARCHY!” by diggin’ the ladies instead of the dudes and therefore threaten the patriarchal structure that we all live in and love on a bizarre, perverse, masochistic level, but I won’t even though I just did. Instead, I shall make ridiculous comparisons.

THE FAUXHAWK

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So, this isn't actually a fauxhawk. I woke up and my hair looked like this. Close enough.

Yes. That is a picture of me and my unmade bed. I couldn’t find decent pictures of females sporting fauxhawks, so I used my own. Plus, I’m narcissistic and totally rock the hawk and want you all to know how much of a BAMF I am - I mean, who goes to bed without a fauxhawk and wakes up with one? ME. That's who! I digress.

In case you aren’t up-to-date on lesbian culture, lesbians OWN the fauxhawk. Yes. They own it. If you are straight and sporting a fauxhawk, you are subject to copyright laws. No joke. So, don’t do it. Anyways, you might be wondering, “Laura, why on earth is a fauxhawk terrifying?” Well, I shall tell you. Sporting a fauxhawk adds – depending on the length of your hair – 3 to 23.96 inches to your height, making you terrifying if you are 5’10”, like I am. It is the equivalent to birds puffing up their feathers to make themselves appear bigger and scarier than they actually. Or those frilled lizards. The fauxhawk says, “I AM A LESBIAN. I TALK ABOUT FEMINISM AND CATS AND ANGELINA JOLIE. DO NOT MESS WITH ME,” to everyone. It also acts as a weapon to fend off unwanted attention from boys – like a rhinoceros horn, or elephant tusks, or fake nails. However, an untrained person sporting a fauxhawk can result in unintentional casualties – this is why the lesbians own the fauxhawk. They are the only ones trained in the ways of the fauxhawk and know how to wield its power.

NOTE: The above also applies to mohawks – except maybe the part about lesbians owning them. I don’t know that lesbians own mohawks.

FLANNEL

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OH GOD IT'S SO SCARY. LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! HIDE THE CHILDREN!

Now, you might be saying, “Laura! Flannel is not scary! It’s warm, cozy, and comfy! What’s scary about that?”

Well, I’ll tell you.

Aside from lesbians, who else wears flannel? No, not Donna Pinciotti! Think harder. That’s right. Lumberjacks. Lumberjacks carry around axes and chop down wood and eat stacks of pancakes and have big blue oxen. So when a lesbian wears flannel, and there’s no wood to chop, it sends a message. It says, “I AM A LESBIAN AND I CARRY AROUND AN AXE SO YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BALLS.” People see lesbians wearing flannel, realize that there are no trees around to be chopped (especially if you’re in a city), and flip a shit. They stay the fuck away from the scary lesbians. Flannel also acts as the frill on a frilled lizard thingy. It sends a warning.

RUGBY

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Hardcore. You don't mess with these girls. They'll fucking punch you in the face... with their elbows.

“Laura, rugby is a SPORT. Sports and athletes aren’t terrifying!”

That, sir and/or madam, is a lie. Sports are absolutely terrifying, which makes the people who play them walking pure and utter horror. For one, sports take an immense amount of WORK and EFFORT. We’re talking physical labor here. Exercise – it’s awful. Modern day form of torture. It should be outlawed. In addition to that, sports are VIOLENT. Not only do you become exhausted when partaking in them, but you also get HURT. And these are just sports in general – we haven’t even started talking about RUGBY.

Have you ever seen a rugby match? No? Neither have I. In fact, I know next to nothing about rugby, except that it’s like football – therefore, it must be violent. You have to be tough as a wolf who wrestles rabid moose in volcanoes for fun to play rugby.

Rugby – like the fauxhawk – is owned by the lesbians. Lesbians like to break bones, get bruised, and get scratched up… for fun. At least, lesbians who play rugby do. Lesbians who don’t play rugby? They still like to watch it. It’s like back in the day, with coliseums and gladiators. Lesbians are tough. You don’t mess with them.

BAGGY PANTS

 What secrets are they hiding???

By now, you might be saying, “Laura! Baggy pants aren’t – forget it. Why do baggy pants make lesbians terrifying?” Well, my friend, I am glad you asked.

Baggy pants can hide almost ANYTHING. You don’t know what could be underneath/inside them. Hips, legs and ankles? Perhaps. A syphilis-ridden armadillo? It’s possible. Secret portal to Narnia? Maybe. You just don’t know what they’re hiding. Which is why you should be on guard around a lesbian in baggy pants – don’t say anything that might offend her. Otherwise, she might whip out a giant isopod and command it to attack you. That would be traumatizing.

You thought I was being silly. You thought I was trippin’ on shrooms. You thought my claims were unjustified. But I have told you, and you understand now. You understand the threat, safety hazard, and terror that are lesbians. And you are safer having read this blog.