Squirrels love Catholics

Folks, I am about to make a claim that may be too ridiculous to believe. A claim so ridiculous, you may laugh. A claim so unbelievable, you won't believe it.

Squirrels love Catholics.

He found out you aren't Catholic. And he is NOT happy about it.

So, if you don't already know, I was born and raised Catholic. This fall will start my 16th year of Catholic school. You could call me a bit of a Catholic school expert, I suppose. I know quite a bit about their rules, uniforms, as well as their oddities.

I knew my high school was different for many reasons. 1 - I loved the place. That in itself meant that it had to be somewhat odd (I was a HUGE oddball when I was just entering high school. Now, still so, but less). And 2 - It was a Catholic school.

"Hey now," some of my more religious readers may be thinking, "Catholics aren't all that bad."

No, they aren't all that bad.

But they are weird.

If a teacher saw you with your hand in your pocket for longer than the amount of time it takes to grab a pen or pencil or whatever may be in there, she was allowed to give you a demerit - because having your hand in your pocket meant that you had a cell phone in there, and you were texting someone (What? Yeah. Cellphones. What did you think I was going to say they thought we were doing? You dirty, dirty people!) Cellphones and texting during school hours was a big no-no. Nevermind that some people have made a habit of sticking their hands in their pockets (i.e. ME, GODDAMMIT). But if a girl was sitting in glass with her purse in front of her, "rummaging" through it for the duration of the hour and twenty-five minute class? Yeah. That was totally fine. That didn't mean she was texting AT ALL.

Walking into class thirty seconds after the bell rang meant you were tardy and had to go get a tardy slip (Seriously, Sr. Irene?)

Jesus, don't even get me started on the nuns.

One of the more entertaining events of my Catholic high school occurred when I was but a mere sophomore. By then I had learned most of the oddities of Catholic high schools, but not all of them. One day, as I was sitting in class, waiting for the announcements to end so I could head over to my next class, the dean of students (Ms. Cousino or as we liked to call her - The Cous) came over the PA system.

"I understand that our students are very environment-friendly, but I'm afraid I have to ask you to refrain from feeding the squirrels."

What?

"A squirrel managed to get into the building yesterday..."

Seriously? Dont' feed the squirrels?

I died laughing. At least, I thought I did.

A couple days later, I was doing the same thing - waiting for the announcements to end so I could go to my next class, but The Cous came over the PA system again.

"I understand that some of the students here are concerned about the well-being of the squirrels on campus, which is why we have installed a brand new squirrel feeder."

... What? Seriously?

Yes. They installed one of these contraptions at my high school.

You all know the squirrels are like, "FUCK YEAH! CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRLS ROCK! Party at the Catholic high school! FREE FOOD MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"Okay, well, that's only one instance," you may be thinking. "That's no reason to make a ridiculous statement about the love of squirrels for Catholics."

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you, exhibit B.

My parents are devout Catholics (granted, a little on the odd side, but devout Catholics none the less). Now, a number of different factors may have contributed to exhibit B - such as 3/4 my parents children going off to college (AKA nearly empty nest syndrome), their old age and boredom, blah blah blah

OR

It could have EVERYTHING to do with the fact that they are CATHOLIC (yeah. Let's go with that reason, 'cause it fits into my argument quite well).

Exhibit B:

My parents feed the animals in out backyard. Usually, my dad will throw some walnuts, almonds, pecans, whathaveyou on to the patio in our backyard. A variety of animals eat these nuts - birds, chipmunks, etc - but I guarantee you the animal that gets to the food first is the - you guessed it! - squirrels. The squirrels fucking LOVE us because of this. So much so that they've begun to come up to our back door and look all fat and adorable until we give them food.

Yes. They've learned how to beg!

Now, I don't consider myself Catholic, but Catholics must have a certain scent or something which has rubbed off on me. Whenever I'm mindlessly staring out the back door (it's one of those sliding glass door thingies. I don't know what they're called), a squirrel will come up to the door, and sit there. It smells the Catholic on me and knows that if it looks cute enough, I must eventually feed it.

NO SQUIRREL. I AM NOT CATHOLIC.

I WILL NOT GIVE YOU FOOD.

This is what's going on in my backyard. My parents are enabling the squirrels!

So what do I do?

I mess with those squirrels. I keep them on their toes. I'll open the door and chase them away. I'll fill up a glass of water and throw it at them (the water. Not the glass. And it's room temp, I promise - I'm no animal abuser. I just like screwing with their minds). I'll yell at them and scare them away. Eventually, they won't know what the expect when they come up to our back door. Food? Maybe (and with my parents in the house, quite likely). Terror? Perhaps. Water flying at them? Fuck yeah. I mean... Perhaps.

"Still, only two pieces of evidence?" You're thinking. "Not much of an argument."

I present to you - my university.

The University of Dayton is a Catholic University in Dayton, OH (Woooooo Ohio! ... not). Students on my campus play something called "squirrel tag" where you run up to a squirrel, touch it, and earn points.

The squirrels love Catholics enough to let them touch them.

SEE? Squirrels fucking LOVE Catholics!

I was not jesting when I made this claim!