Four Unnatural Things That Should Worry You More Than Homosexuality

Hey-lo folks. Long time no write – right? So let’s get down to business!

 So, as most of you know, I’m kind of a change-making badass. I go to the queer rights conferences, I (used to) run meetings, I plan events, I make shit happen. Some may even say I FUCK. SHIT. UP. But that’s debatable.

Anyways, in my line of work of fucking shit up, you come across arguments – arguments that don’t really make sense. “OH EM GEEZ HOMOSECKSUALITY IS UNNACHURALL. IT KILED THE DINOSORES!”  - and the like. My BFF John Corvino gives a lovely lecture addressing many of these bizarre arguments – including the one I just mentioned. One thing he points out in his lecture is that people freak out because homosexuality is, supposedly, “unnatural.” But so are cars, alarm clocks, plumbing and a shit ton of other things we use every day – no one flips a shit about those.

Folks, I have compiled for you a list of four unnatural things that should worry you way more than homosexuality does. Please focus your hateful energy on the following unnatural items instead of a bunch of unnatural people lovin’ each other.

ROBOTS

 This thing is too unnatural to not being planning something.

Is no one else freaked out by these things? Is no one else terrified that roombas may get sick of cleaning up shit and attack? Start flying even? Or start nom-nom-noming on your toes? Am I the only one who would rather parallel park on my own than have the car do it for me? Do those talking baby dolls freak the fuck out of anyone else? I swear, after that one episode of the Twilight Zone, I can never look at talking dolls again. It’s just… not… natural. Did Stephen Spielberg’s movie A.I. give everyone happy dreams about bunnies, rainbows and glitter? ‘Cause it sure gave me nightmares about robot clones of myself taking over the world. That’s actually a lie. I just wrote that to make you laugh – I had no nightmares about that movie. It did really creep me out though.

SPAM

There are some things in this world I just don't understand.

I have never eaten this. I have no desire to. I don’t even have to look at the ingredients to know it’s unnatural. This shit is so unnatural it’s fucking TERRIFYING. It makes baby Jeebus cry. Hell, it makes ME cry. Like, just look at it.

I just… I don’t know anything anymore. Why the fuck are people protesting gay marriage when shit like THIS is being sold in our stores with no complaint? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

I feel I have said enough on this topic. Moving on.

MGMT

 Duh nah nuh nuh nuh NAH NAH, duh nah nuh nuh nuh NAH NAH. Shut the fuck up Imma cut you.

I’ve written a bit about these folks before. Let’s talk about why they’re unnatural. In my previous post, you’ll notice I talk about their use of the synthesizer. Synthesizer. Syn.The.Siz.Er. Syyyyyynthhhhhhheeeeeeeesssssssiiiiiiizzzzeeerrrrrrrrrrrr. Does this word look like another word, perhaps? Look at it closely. Get your nose right up to the computer screen. Closer. Does it look similar to something else? No? Jesus, you’re dumb.

“Synthetic.” It looks like the word “synthetic.” What does “synthetic” mean, folks?

…Oh my god, I should’ve gone into English Education. Our society needs help.

FAKE. “Synthetic” means “FAKE.” Jesus Christ. And because their music is heavily synthesizer-based, this means their music is fake. UNNATURAL. Hate them and their unnatural, god awful music. More good will come out of it than hating the queers. You’ll even get a reserved seat in heaven if you break their synthesizer. Promise. I lie. I’m totally just saying that because “Time To Pretend” and “Kids” make my ears bleed and I never want to hear them again.

APPLE

 That's right. I went there.

I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who has made the following connection. Things that are unnatural – Apple. Apple is a computer company. They make computery… things. Laptops, music players, etc. Things that I barely comprehend and probably will never fully understand (“Oh, I push this button and it plays my music! I push this button, and the music stops! Hooray music! :D”) Anyways, “apple” is also the name of a tasty and nutritional fruit. You would think that a company named “Apple” would make tasty and nutritional things – edible things, things for consumption and energy. But no.  That is not the case. At all. You cannot eat a laptop. You cannot eat software. You cannot eat a music player (as much as I would like to. How cool would that be? A music player inside of me, playing music the soundtrack to my life ALL THE TIME. Rockin’).

 How things SHOULD be with Apple. (PS, SHIT JUST GOT META! WHAT!)

I would consider Apple the worst of the unnatural things on my list, as they claim to make natural things with the name of their company, but do NOT. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Maybe that’s why the queers like Apple so much – because they’re so UNNATURAL. The unnatural queers like the unnatural Apple. It makes perfect sense! Maybe Unnatural Apple is a part of the Unnatural Queers’ agenda! GASP! CONSPIRACY!

There. Now you know where to focus your efforts. It’s not the queers that are destroying the moral fabric of our society – it’s robots, Spam, MGMT and Apple. If these things are eradicated (oo, great word. Five experience points to me for the use of the word “eradicate,”) from our society, there will be a POOF and we will be living in a utopian society. I know – I’m surprised no one has gone after these unnatural things before. Let’s team up and do it. ReadySetGO!

[Clearly, this is not a comprehensive list – what are some other unnatural things we should be worrying about more than Teh Qweers? COMMENTS. GO.]

Things I Hate: MGMT

The devil.

Yes. I hate MGMT. I find their music absolutely obnoxious. It drives me nuts. And the worst part is, is that when I listen to one of their songs (because one of my friends has their music on and I'm too polite to say, "FUCK NO WE ARE NOT LISTENING TO THIS SHIT!") it gets stuck in my head for days. IT. IS. TERRIBLE.

You know, I'm actually convinced that everyone hates MGMT's music. It's just that their music is so prevalent in our culture that it's easier to like their music rather than be tortured every time one of their songs comes on the radio. A stockholm syndrome of sorts. We have fallen in love with our tormentors, folks.

Enough of my ranting - let's get into WHY I hate MGMT.

There is really only one reason I hate the I-make-babies-cry music of MGMT. One reason only.

Their use of the synthesizer.

SO INCREDIBLY OBNOXIOUS.

It's as if they got high one day, discovered a synthesizer and was like, "WHOAAAAAA! DUDE! You have to fucking check this shit out!" and decided to use it in every song ever - thus giving some of their songs a bad disco sound. Just look at any of their songs and you'll find a synthesizer riff. There's one in every song they've ever created. I promise.

And it's not just that they use the synthesizer - it's that the sounds they use and the riffs and motives they come up with are so obnoxiously synthesizery. I'm pretty sure, when they were high, one of them was like, "No man. No. We have to let people know that this is a fucking synthesizer they're listening to. We need to make this thing say, 'HELLO I AM A MOTHERFUCKING SYNTHESIZER AND I AM HERE TO MAKE YOUR EARS BLEED. HAVE A NICE DAY' and then take it even further than that. You get what I'm sayin', man?"

MGMT? Tone down the synthesizer. Please. For the sake of my constantly bleeding ears, tone it down.