(No pictures in this one either, folks. They take too much work and I'm lazy.)
‘Cause I sure as hell don’t know.
Y’see, both of my parents were born and raised in Michigan. I was born in Michigan. I am a Michigan driver by blood and birth. For those of you who don’t know, for Michigan drivers, a car is a lethal weapon. That’s why they require a license to drive in that state. The state of Ohio should have realized this when my siblings and I applied for our licenses and said, “STFU GTFO.”
Honestly, with as many stupid things as I’ve done while operating an automobile, I should not have a license (and if you’re my mother, and you’re reading this – all of this is totally fictional. I’m writing it just for laughs. Promise). It took me three tries to pass my driver’s test. Three. And you would think it would be the maneuverability section (the equivalent of parallel parking elsewhere) I would fail on. Nope. It was the actual driving part. First time, I made a shitty left turn and nearly backed into a car. Second time, I made a rolling stop…. Twice. Third time? I passed! Hooray!
I’ve run over a cement parking block, driven the wrong way down a one way street, made a U-turn in the middle of the road (it was in the country. Not ENTIRELY unsafe), and purposefully run a red light.
Yes. I purposefully drove through an intersection when I was not supposed to, risking my life, and the life of others. My god, I am a terrible person.
Of course, those are not the thoughts that went through my head at the time. My thoughts at the time were more along the lines of, “Yellow light, yellow light, yellow light – can I make it? Red light. Fuck. Any red light cameras? No? Keep going!”
Let this be a lesson to you kiddies. If you’re thinking about running a red light, you can’t just assume you’ll make it through the intersection and everything will be okay. And if you’re gonna go the route I did, and check for red light cameras and run the intersection anyways, make sure you don’t make the same mistake I did.
Make sure you check for cops as well. Otherwise you’ll get a $120 ticket that will drain your bank account the way Dracula drains your mom.
And it wasn’t even a, “Oh, the light changed as I was going through the intersection! It’s up for debate.” No. The light was blatantly red and I said, “Fuck it, I’m not stopping!” And then the police officer was like, “Hahaha! Got you! >:D”
And let me tell you, being pulled over is a terrifying experience, especially if you’ve never been pulled over before. But a strange, strange thing has happened.
Ever since then, I swear, I pass a police car every time I’m on the road.
No joke. It’s as if their, “Laura is nearing a car… starting a ca- OH SHIT GET IN THE CAR WE HAVE ROADS TO PROTECT!” senses go off every time I'm near a mode of transportation.
And after being pulled over, the sight of a cop scares you shitless. I once saw a police car at an intersection and immediately slowed down. I then realized I was going the speed limit and there was no need for me to slow down.
In fact, yesterday, I was heading over to my favorite coffee house, and there was a police officer in front of me and was in front of me for ten minutes. The fucker knew where I was going! JK he really didn’t, he eventually turned. And you know what? When I had pulled up to a stoplight – there was another one beside me. (He did tell me my right tail light was out though - and if you're my mom and reading this, your car's right tail light is out). THEY HAD ME SURROUNDED. It was terrifying. It was if they were saying, “Laura – we’re watching. Don’t fuck things up.”
But folks, let me tell you. This experience has taught me two things. The first is how not to get caught running a red light (check for red light cameras AND police officers). The second, is how to get out of a ticket. Yes, I know I didn’t get out of my ticket, but I thought of the perfect way to do so.
Kindness.
Don’t laugh. Listen - my idea is genius.
See, what you do, is you keep a stash of thank you notes with you at all times (or at least while you’re operating a motor vehicle). When you get pulled over, ask for the officer’s name, and address your thank you card to him/her. The pre-written message should say something like, “Dear ______, Thank you for keeping our city safe! I appreciate it :)” Then put the card in the envelope, and hand it to the officer.
See, no one is EVER happy to see a police officer – ‘cause it usually means the shit has hit the fan. By giving the officer a thank you card, he and/or she will be so happy and full of warm fuzzies that he and/or she will be like, “Aw, shucks. You don’t need no ticket.” (In a southern accent. I don’t know why. I’m in Ohio – I shouldn’t picture any imaginative person with a southern accent) and let you off the hook.
And if that doesn’t work, well… I told you to look for cops before running the red light. It’s your own damn fault.
This is absolutely hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI also got pulled over by a cop, unfortunately when i was going 17 miles over the speed limit....he was like twice my age but called me ma'am the whole time. I was very polite with him and for some reason he didn't give me points on my license (thank GOD, my car insurance is enough already). But now I, as well as you, also curse every time I see a cop. (and since i pass the state police academy or some shit like that on my way to work, i usually see them DAILY).
:)