Dear Self: Why did you do that?

^This is generally the feeling you have after a “Why did I do that?” moment.

There comes a time – or, if you’re me, several times – in everyone’s life where you do something. That something may be smart, stupid, at a Samuel L. Jackson level of kickass, lame or none of those creative adjectives. However, after this something has been done, by you, you will ask yourself one question and one question only. This question –

Why did I do that?

Actually, depending on what you have done, you may ask yourself this variation of the question –

Why the fuck did I do that?

For instance:

I forgot to take my blood pressure medication and drank a gianormous caffeinated beverage the size of my face and could possibly have a stroke because of it. Why the fuck did I do that?

I drunkingly kissed a cute girl who was on her last day of antibiotics for strep throat last night and am now developing a sinus infection. Why did I do that?

I had a dream that I was roundhouse kicking a nun in the face, proceeded to kick the ceiling in my sleep and consequently broke my toe. Why did I do that?

I started my 12 page paper at midnight the night before it was due and consequently stayed up for 34 hours straight. Why did I do that?

I offered a bear a stack of hot, delicious, homemade, buttermilk waffles and then decided that I wanted them moar than he did and ate them all. Why the fuck did I do that?

In my experience, this question occurs to me several times daily. About as often as I have to pee. A lot of the time it occurs because I’m playing Tetris. Food-related crises come in at a close second – “Why did I eat that last breadstick? [groan] I’m going to explooooooooooooooooooo-BOOM.” Very rarely is it ever seriously panic-attack worthy (sadly, my definition of “rarely” when it comes to panic attack-worthy crises is about once every week or so. General anxiety disorder FTW!) And when it is panic attack-worthy, it’s usually a homework assignment that I didn’t feel like doing because it caused me too much anxiety, and then because I put it off it causes me even more anxiety because I have less time to do it, and then I have a panic attack because I have so little time to do it and I start hyperventilating and then I explo-BOOM.

This happens a lot when I play tetris. Unfortunately.

Of course, you already know why you did whatever it is that you did – because you wanted to. Because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Because you weren’t paying attention. Because Jasper – your green, invisible pet chiweenie – said it would be a good idea. The question merely calls to your attention the fact that

YOU
WERE
DUMB

and regret whatever it is that you did.

Anyways, my point is, is I’m having a “Why did I do that?” moment. Right now. And you get to witness it. Aren’t you ecstatic? Don’t be. It’s not that exciting. It’s actually kinda gross.

So, as my lack of wisdom teeth heals up, I am able to eat moar and moar foods (more on my use of the word “moar” another time). Currently, I am still unable to eat rice, which means I am unable to eat a burrito or Chinese food – but the day when I can have my feast of unhealthiness is quickly approaching. Now that I can eat pizza, subs, cookies, pasta and CEREAL MOTHERFUCKERS, I can patiently wait on the burrito and Chinese – mainly because I can eat CEREAL MOTHERFUCKERS. I could go on and on about my love for CEREAL MOTHERFUCKERS, but I won’t. I may devote an entire post to that. Another time, though.

Back to the topic at hand.

I can eat moar food than I used to – hard crunchy things, such as potato chips. Normally, I don’t like potato chips, but when you go forever and half of eternity without eating anything substantial I can guarantee that even goat poo would taste like a steak to you. So tonight, I decided to devour some potato chips – sour cream and onion flavored. This is where part one of my “Why did I do that?” moment occurs. Everyone knows that onion anything is impossible to get rid of – no matter how many times you brush your teeth, floss, use mouthwash, and chew that spearmint gum, the oniony grossity is still there. But I demolished those chips. And they were delicious. For whatever reason, though, they left me feeling dirty, unclean, and un…healthy. So, to compensate, I eat something healthy. What is healthy?

Yogurt.

Strawberry yogurt (let’s face it – what other flavor yogurt is there? None. Because strawberry flavored anything is superior to all other flavors).

This is where part 2 of my “Why did I do that?” moment occurs. Because, yeah, my mouth is all nice and strawberry flavored for the time being, but later, what happens?

I – as all human beings do after eating food that is 23,984 different kinds of delicious – burped.

And what did that burp taste like?

Sour cream and onion potato chips. Plus strawberry yogurt.

YUM. SO DELICIOUS.

…

SORRY. I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH A LITTLE.

Wisdom Teeth: I just want a fucking burrito.

Hello all!

Some of you may know me, some of you may not. Those of the latter variety will get to know me as we go, but to jumpstart our new relationship, here are a few things about me:

• I'm an activist.
• I'm in to the whole music thing (majoring in it, actually).
• In addition to being a serious, no-nonsense musician/activist, I like to do stand up comedy.

Sadly, since the opportunity to do stand up comedy comes by very rarely, and I like to make people laugh, and I need a place to keep my stand up comedy ideas, I decided to write them down here and share them with you.

I guess that's not so sad, now is it?

Anyways, recently (and by recently, I mean Wednesday) I had my wisdom teeth out. Ooo, how scary! Must've hurt! How awful! Poor baby!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut the crap. It's not that bad. The pain afterward is about as bad as an intense hour-long work out (for your jaw... innuendos ensue!) and the meds make you chill and prevent pain, swelling, and infection. It's not that bad. There hasn't been any bruising or swelling (unless you count the bruise on my arm from the IV tube - seriously. Whoever put that thing in needs a shit ton more practice) and I can open my mouth enough to eat something that doesn't involve chewing.

Speaking of eating....

People who talk about wisdom teeth focus on the pain. "Oh does it hurt when you get them out? How bad? I'm scared it will hurt!" But, honestly, the pain is the least of your worries. The people who go on and on about the pain are just trying to cover up the worst part about having your wisdom teeth out: the hunger. 'Cause let me tell you, before you hit that 10 hour fast before your surgery, you better eat a meal that is as fucking delicious as the last supper, 'cause that's the last substantial thing you will eat for A LONG. FUCKING. TIME.

I had my surgery on Wednesday. Three days ago. I'm starving. Yes, yes, I can eat. But soup, mashed potatoes, ice cream, yogurt, and juice get old. FAST. I'm already planning what I can eat when I can finally eat solid foods again and I will become obese once my mouth has healed up. Here's what my list includes thus far:

• 1 Jimmy John's Sub (Turkey Tom FTW!)
• 1 GIANORMOUS Chocolate Chip Cookie to go with that
  
• 1 Chicken Burrito from Chipotle (black beans and sour cream!!! SO DELICIOUS!)
• 1 Burger from Smash Burger (Orgasmic)
• And an order of Smash Fries to go along with that.
  
• 1 Order of sweet and sour chicken (My mouth is melting!)
• 1 Crunchwrap Supreme (Taco Bell... more like Taco Hell... but anything that's of the fast food variety sounds delicious when you haven't eaten)
• CEREAL MOTHERFUCKERS. EVERY SINGLE TYPE OF CEREAL IMAGINABLE.
• 3 Hard shell tacos
• Cheddar Broccoli Soup from Panera. WITH A BAGUETTE. IN A BREAD BOWL. MOTHERFUCKERS.
  
• 1 Order of Chicken Fried Rice
• 1 Pizza with green peppers. That's right. An ENTIRE pizza.
  
• Pasta. Screw what kind and how much. I'll just effin' buy Olive Garden and eat EVERYTHING.

I will eat all this in ONE. DAY. And then proceed to EXPLODE. And I'm okay with that.

Yes, I realize some of these things I should already be able to eat (such as the soup), but I cannot eat them because either a.) they have too many little things in them that can get caught in my sockets and cause infection or b.) it would involve a tremendous amount of cleaning after eating. Cleaning = brushing teeth = PAIN. Yes, I realize part of my dilemma comes from me being a baby/lazy - but who's the one writing here? That's right. I am. I can whine about whatever I want. And believe you me, I am a whiner.

Since having my wisdom teeth out, there's a lot I've realized I don't understand. Such as compulsive dieters. HOW DO YOU DO IT? I love food way too much to go on even a MILD diet (as in, cut out sour cream. Not anything else. Just the cream. That's too big of a step for me). Seriously. I mean, it would not surprise me if I dreamt about tacos, chicken fried rice, subs, burgers, and pizza tonight. It would not surprise me if I already have and just don't remember it. It's all I think about right now. Hell, all I think about? It's all I fantasize about right now. I just want a fucking burrito. I want to devour that Chipotle burrito and then move on to the chips and guac. I don't even like guac. Then I want to eat an entire pizza from Papa John's, complete with bread sticks and garlic sauce. And, oh God, how could I forget about ONION RINGS?!

I have come to the conclusion that people who are capable of dieting have some strange, strange abnormal, mutated gene that allows for some obnoxiously intense self-control. They should be put in labs and studied. They are freaks of nature. It's not normal, I say.

If I had known that it wouldn't be the pain, but the lack of food that would kill me during this whole wisdom teeth excursion, I never would've done it. My wisdom teeth weren't even bothering me that much. I go off the dental insurance when I turn 22 (in October), so it had to be done. But if I knew it would be this awful, I would have put it off FOR. EV. ER. I never thought I would crave Chinese food so much.

Who wants to join me in my feast when I can finally eat again?