Wisdom Teeth: I just want a fucking burrito.

Hello all!

Some of you may know me, some of you may not. Those of the latter variety will get to know me as we go, but to jumpstart our new relationship, here are a few things about me:

• I'm an activist.
• I'm in to the whole music thing (majoring in it, actually).
• In addition to being a serious, no-nonsense musician/activist, I like to do stand up comedy.

Sadly, since the opportunity to do stand up comedy comes by very rarely, and I like to make people laugh, and I need a place to keep my stand up comedy ideas, I decided to write them down here and share them with you.

I guess that's not so sad, now is it?

Anyways, recently (and by recently, I mean Wednesday) I had my wisdom teeth out. Ooo, how scary! Must've hurt! How awful! Poor baby!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut the crap. It's not that bad. The pain afterward is about as bad as an intense hour-long work out (for your jaw... innuendos ensue!) and the meds make you chill and prevent pain, swelling, and infection. It's not that bad. There hasn't been any bruising or swelling (unless you count the bruise on my arm from the IV tube - seriously. Whoever put that thing in needs a shit ton more practice) and I can open my mouth enough to eat something that doesn't involve chewing.

Speaking of eating....

People who talk about wisdom teeth focus on the pain. "Oh does it hurt when you get them out? How bad? I'm scared it will hurt!" But, honestly, the pain is the least of your worries. The people who go on and on about the pain are just trying to cover up the worst part about having your wisdom teeth out: the hunger. 'Cause let me tell you, before you hit that 10 hour fast before your surgery, you better eat a meal that is as fucking delicious as the last supper, 'cause that's the last substantial thing you will eat for A LONG. FUCKING. TIME.

I had my surgery on Wednesday. Three days ago. I'm starving. Yes, yes, I can eat. But soup, mashed potatoes, ice cream, yogurt, and juice get old. FAST. I'm already planning what I can eat when I can finally eat solid foods again and I will become obese once my mouth has healed up. Here's what my list includes thus far:

• 1 Jimmy John's Sub (Turkey Tom FTW!)
• 1 GIANORMOUS Chocolate Chip Cookie to go with that
  
• 1 Chicken Burrito from Chipotle (black beans and sour cream!!! SO DELICIOUS!)
• 1 Burger from Smash Burger (Orgasmic)
• And an order of Smash Fries to go along with that.
  
• 1 Order of sweet and sour chicken (My mouth is melting!)
• 1 Crunchwrap Supreme (Taco Bell... more like Taco Hell... but anything that's of the fast food variety sounds delicious when you haven't eaten)
• CEREAL MOTHERFUCKERS. EVERY SINGLE TYPE OF CEREAL IMAGINABLE.
• 3 Hard shell tacos
• Cheddar Broccoli Soup from Panera. WITH A BAGUETTE. IN A BREAD BOWL. MOTHERFUCKERS.
  
• 1 Order of Chicken Fried Rice
• 1 Pizza with green peppers. That's right. An ENTIRE pizza.
  
• Pasta. Screw what kind and how much. I'll just effin' buy Olive Garden and eat EVERYTHING.

I will eat all this in ONE. DAY. And then proceed to EXPLODE. And I'm okay with that.

Yes, I realize some of these things I should already be able to eat (such as the soup), but I cannot eat them because either a.) they have too many little things in them that can get caught in my sockets and cause infection or b.) it would involve a tremendous amount of cleaning after eating. Cleaning = brushing teeth = PAIN. Yes, I realize part of my dilemma comes from me being a baby/lazy - but who's the one writing here? That's right. I am. I can whine about whatever I want. And believe you me, I am a whiner.

Since having my wisdom teeth out, there's a lot I've realized I don't understand. Such as compulsive dieters. HOW DO YOU DO IT? I love food way too much to go on even a MILD diet (as in, cut out sour cream. Not anything else. Just the cream. That's too big of a step for me). Seriously. I mean, it would not surprise me if I dreamt about tacos, chicken fried rice, subs, burgers, and pizza tonight. It would not surprise me if I already have and just don't remember it. It's all I think about right now. Hell, all I think about? It's all I fantasize about right now. I just want a fucking burrito. I want to devour that Chipotle burrito and then move on to the chips and guac. I don't even like guac. Then I want to eat an entire pizza from Papa John's, complete with bread sticks and garlic sauce. And, oh God, how could I forget about ONION RINGS?!

I have come to the conclusion that people who are capable of dieting have some strange, strange abnormal, mutated gene that allows for some obnoxiously intense self-control. They should be put in labs and studied. They are freaks of nature. It's not normal, I say.

If I had known that it wouldn't be the pain, but the lack of food that would kill me during this whole wisdom teeth excursion, I never would've done it. My wisdom teeth weren't even bothering me that much. I go off the dental insurance when I turn 22 (in October), so it had to be done. But if I knew it would be this awful, I would have put it off FOR. EV. ER. I never thought I would crave Chinese food so much.

Who wants to join me in my feast when I can finally eat again?