Dear Self: Why did you do that?

^This is generally the feeling you have after a “Why did I do that?” moment.

There comes a time – or, if you’re me, several times – in everyone’s life where you do something. That something may be smart, stupid, at a Samuel L. Jackson level of kickass, lame or none of those creative adjectives. However, after this something has been done, by you, you will ask yourself one question and one question only. This question –

Why did I do that?

Actually, depending on what you have done, you may ask yourself this variation of the question –

Why the fuck did I do that?

For instance:

I forgot to take my blood pressure medication and drank a gianormous caffeinated beverage the size of my face and could possibly have a stroke because of it. Why the fuck did I do that?

I drunkingly kissed a cute girl who was on her last day of antibiotics for strep throat last night and am now developing a sinus infection. Why did I do that?

I had a dream that I was roundhouse kicking a nun in the face, proceeded to kick the ceiling in my sleep and consequently broke my toe. Why did I do that?

I started my 12 page paper at midnight the night before it was due and consequently stayed up for 34 hours straight. Why did I do that?

I offered a bear a stack of hot, delicious, homemade, buttermilk waffles and then decided that I wanted them moar than he did and ate them all. Why the fuck did I do that?

In my experience, this question occurs to me several times daily. About as often as I have to pee. A lot of the time it occurs because I’m playing Tetris. Food-related crises come in at a close second – “Why did I eat that last breadstick? [groan] I’m going to explooooooooooooooooooo-BOOM.” Very rarely is it ever seriously panic-attack worthy (sadly, my definition of “rarely” when it comes to panic attack-worthy crises is about once every week or so. General anxiety disorder FTW!) And when it is panic attack-worthy, it’s usually a homework assignment that I didn’t feel like doing because it caused me too much anxiety, and then because I put it off it causes me even more anxiety because I have less time to do it, and then I have a panic attack because I have so little time to do it and I start hyperventilating and then I explo-BOOM.

This happens a lot when I play tetris. Unfortunately.

Of course, you already know why you did whatever it is that you did – because you wanted to. Because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Because you weren’t paying attention. Because Jasper – your green, invisible pet chiweenie – said it would be a good idea. The question merely calls to your attention the fact that

YOU
WERE
DUMB

and regret whatever it is that you did.

Anyways, my point is, is I’m having a “Why did I do that?” moment. Right now. And you get to witness it. Aren’t you ecstatic? Don’t be. It’s not that exciting. It’s actually kinda gross.

So, as my lack of wisdom teeth heals up, I am able to eat moar and moar foods (more on my use of the word “moar” another time). Currently, I am still unable to eat rice, which means I am unable to eat a burrito or Chinese food – but the day when I can have my feast of unhealthiness is quickly approaching. Now that I can eat pizza, subs, cookies, pasta and CEREAL MOTHERFUCKERS, I can patiently wait on the burrito and Chinese – mainly because I can eat CEREAL MOTHERFUCKERS. I could go on and on about my love for CEREAL MOTHERFUCKERS, but I won’t. I may devote an entire post to that. Another time, though.

Back to the topic at hand.

I can eat moar food than I used to – hard crunchy things, such as potato chips. Normally, I don’t like potato chips, but when you go forever and half of eternity without eating anything substantial I can guarantee that even goat poo would taste like a steak to you. So tonight, I decided to devour some potato chips – sour cream and onion flavored. This is where part one of my “Why did I do that?” moment occurs. Everyone knows that onion anything is impossible to get rid of – no matter how many times you brush your teeth, floss, use mouthwash, and chew that spearmint gum, the oniony grossity is still there. But I demolished those chips. And they were delicious. For whatever reason, though, they left me feeling dirty, unclean, and un…healthy. So, to compensate, I eat something healthy. What is healthy?

Yogurt.

Strawberry yogurt (let’s face it – what other flavor yogurt is there? None. Because strawberry flavored anything is superior to all other flavors).

This is where part 2 of my “Why did I do that?” moment occurs. Because, yeah, my mouth is all nice and strawberry flavored for the time being, but later, what happens?

I – as all human beings do after eating food that is 23,984 different kinds of delicious – burped.

And what did that burp taste like?

Sour cream and onion potato chips. Plus strawberry yogurt.

YUM. SO DELICIOUS.

…

SORRY. I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH A LITTLE.